


What doesn't kill you that's a pity

by Juverworld



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe, Alternative Lifestyles, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bucket List, Drug Addiction, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Fucked Up, Implied/Referenced Character Death, It's kinda weird and like everyone loves everyone kinda, M/M, Major Illness, Temporarily Unrequited Love, Unreliable Narrator, Unrequited Love, bunch of broken lads, it'll be all good though
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-02
Updated: 2016-10-26
Packaged: 2018-05-30 18:45:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 20,936
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6436069
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Juverworld/pseuds/Juverworld
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"(..)What does matter their death if they already are dead half of their lives?” he asks, kind of rhetorically, and nobody answers. “There’s that saying guys, what doesn’t kill you that’s a pity. If you’re gonna be dead for life, it is, better just die.” Harry and Louis are sharing a look with sheepish expressions on their faces.<br/>Niall gets up from the couch and heads to the haunted part of their flat. “It’s the ‘how is he feeling mystery’, right?” he asks and that has both his flatmates look up at him with surprise written all over their faces.<br/>“The who?” they asks simultaneously.<br/>“Oh, come on!” he throws his arms in the air. “You perfectly know who! This guy who apparently lives here, but nobody ever sees him, so I’m not actually sure if he does, and nobody ever calls him by name, always only asking how is he feeling, so I still don’t know who the fuck he is. But he’s the one, right? He’s dying, isn’t he.” And it’s not even a question, and so again, nobody answers. Well, at least not until somebody Niall haven’t ever seen in that house comes out of the haunted rooms.<br/>“You mean Liam?”</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Things I don't care about

**Author's Note:**

> It's kind of a confusing story, because although I knew what I wanted to write at first, the characters have started to live on their own kinda, and now I just - I'm writing, but I don't know what might come out of it in the end. Hope you like it though! Let me know what you think and what would you like to happen ;) enjoy x

 

Today is an ordinary day, no different than the others. People on the streets seem to be in some kinda rush, as they always are, even though he is the one who's running. There's that flat down the road he's moved in just yesterday (straight after he came back from Mexico), that he's heading to now. He doesn't know all of his flatmates just yet. He's only got to meet a _‘frog prince’_ , Harry, by now and he must admit there's something weird about this one in particular. Harry was all curly hair and polite dimpled smiles that didn't quite reach his green eyes when they met. He looked nice but tired or maybe it's just what Niall tries to tell himself in an attempt of not making any assumptions. He likes the place though. He likes the way it's big and spacey, staying still warm and cosy at the same time. He likes the panelling and the fluffy carpets and warm colours filling the space, soft couches and armchairs and the dark wooden table sat in the middle of it all. Maybe it’s still a bit weird and maybe he could have gotten himself his own flat instead and decorated it all on his own too, but he likes the idea of sharing with lads. Even if he doesn’t know what he is signing himself up for. Even if he doesn’t know what kind of ‘lads’ might live there.

He doesn’t care about the red light as he runs straight past the pedestrian crossing and he doesn’t particularly mind a policeman stopping him right after and giving him a ticket. He’s not in a hurry. He smiles at the guy and gives him money, so he wouldn’t have to stay there any longer than necessary nonetheless. The flat is just a few meters away but there’s that nice small shop right at the corner where he stops for a bucket of ice cream just to not feel as if he lost any weight after that stupid pointless run he’s been practicing since forever now.

When he gets home (maybe it’s a tad bit strange to call that place _home_ just yet, but if he didn’t, he’d have to call himself a homeless and that’d be definitely stranger), he goes straight to the kitchen to make some scrambled eggs for brunch (10 this time instead of his usual 8, because today he’s really hungry) and puts a kettle on for tea. There is more water than necessary in case any of his flatmates showed up for a cup of coffee or whatever it was they were drinking. It is a Saturday after all and Harry’s said everybody should be home during weekend.

He’s midway through his meal when the first person comes in. It’s a generally not bad looking guy with light brown hair, face covered in scruff and tired blue eyes. He’s pretty short and his hunched posture doesn’t help his height at all.

“Oh.” It’s what comes out of the man’s mouth first. “I think we weren’t introduced just yet? Or -” he asks confusedly, as if he wasn’t actually sure and Niall thinks he probably had a late night and seriously doesn’t remember one shit.

“Yeah, well,  I’ve just moved in here yesterday, so I guess I’m your new flatmate.” He responds and grins at him widely before he adds – “Ah, name’s Niall by the way.”

“Louis.” Short guy replies with a yawn and heads to the countertop for something to drink. (Tea, Yorkshire, the one and _only_ , and better fucking remember – Niall learns later). “It’s nice to meet you Neil.” He says as an afterthought when he’s already sat at the table and Niall doesn’t bother to correct him on the name. He doesn’t give two shits about his personal data or silly things like pronunciation. “So, do I get to know you a bit, or?”

“Not much to talk about, really.” Niall shrugs and pulls his ice cream out of the bag he’s left on the table. “I’m from Ireland, I play the guitar, I like ice cream.” He says. “You want some?”

* * *

Niall has a notebook where he writes _things_. Under today’s date it says:

_Apparently not only the ‘frog prince’ is tired. It seems there’s also a ‘Yorkshire fanatic’, but I guess it is alright. None other individuals showed up today._

* * *

There are five people living in the flat. There’s a blonde guy, dyed hair, tall enough, blue eyes, wide smile, pale skin, freckles, tank tops, skinny jeans, guitar –and that’s Niall himself. There’s a really tall brunette, curly hair, green eyes, tired dimpled smile, weird shirts, weird bandanas and hats, weird clothes in general – and that’s Harry _(the frog prince)_. There’s a short light brunette guy, messy hair, blue eyes, tired subdued smile, too big t-shirts, skinny pants, a mug of tea – and that’s Louis _(the Yorkshire fanatic)_. Then there are two mysteries, first – strong black coffee silent drinker who’s never as much as shown up in the common room during that whole week, and second – “how is he feeling?” mystery, whom nobody ever calls by name and apart from the _‘black coffee mystery’_ probably also nobody sees. Niall still doesn’t know their looks nor names. (And he also doesn’t really care).

He finds himself a nice routine in a matter of a few weeks. He works in a music store during most of weekdays and as a bartender in a local club on weekends’ nights, even though he doesn’t really need to do any of that. But no one has to know. Sometimes he wonders if he should drop it and just go, _go_ from there, but then he reminds himself he lives with a bunch of suspiciously tired (depressed?) weirdos, who’s habits are even more of a routine than his stupid jobs, pointless runs in the morning and that ritual FIFA match he plays every weekday’s evening before going to sleep. He knows he doesn’t have a single habit he couldn’t break. But they – he feels like he lives with zombies. Or maybe ghosts haunting the same flat since Middle Ages even though he lives there hardly a month. And that should be enough to scare him off if it wasn’t for that stupid feeling there’s something up in that weird apartment in a weird building, and unfortunately he isn’t from the kind of people who seeing something’s up leave things the way they are and go. He’s from the kind who likes games and puzzles. And what’s a better kind of game than the one where other people’s life’s involved?

* * *

It’s a Saturday again and Harry sits on the couch in front of TV with a mug of some of his herbal stuff. There’s a book on the coffee table that looks as if it was read at least one thousand times too many. It’s “ _Oscar and the Lady in Pink”_ and Niall knows what the book is about. It’s about a terminally sick boy, Oscar, who – thanks to Mamie Rose – is trying to make the best of probably the last twelve days of his life.

“You reading this?” Niall asks, jumping on the couch next to the curly guy and motioning to the book.

“Nah, I think I already know this one by heart.” Harry responds with a small shrug of his shoulders.

“Is it that good?” Niall prompts again, even though he already knows, he’s read it before.

“Not really.” Harry shrugs again. “I mean – yeah, it is good, it’s just –“ he stops to think for a while. “It’s not really that nice or funny if you think of it, right?”

“Well, obviously.” Niall chuckles lightly. “He’s dying.” He then deadpans. “But – isn’t it great after all?”

“What the fuck Niall, what’s _great_ about dying?” Harry looses it that exact moment and the blonde guy thinks he already knows half the story. This is when Louis comes in alarmed.

“Why are you talking about dying?” he asks cautiously. “Neil? What’s going on?”

“It’s Niall.” Harry corrects at the same time when Niall starts to respond.

“We’re talking about _Oscar and the Lady in Pink_.” He says. “And I wasn’t talking about dying per se. I was trying to say that it’s really great that he gets to _live_ those last days of his life. Imagine someone who knows they are dying and then stops living at all afraid of the time the death comes. How silly is that! And guess what – most of people do exactly that. They get scared, stop living at all. What does matter their death if they already _are_ dead half of their lives?” he asks, kind of rhetorically, and nobody answers. “There’s that saying guys, what doesn’t kill you that’s a pity. If you’re gonna be dead for life, it is, better just die.” Harry and Louis are sharing a _look_ with sheepish expressions on their faces.

Niall gets up from the couch and heads to the _haunted_ part of their flat. “It’s the _‘how is he feeling mystery’_ , right?” he asks and that has both his flatmates look up at him with surprise written all over their faces.

“The _who_?” they asks simultaneously.

“Oh, come on!” he throws his arms in the air. “You perfectly know who! This guy who apparently lives here, but nobody ever sees him, so I’m not actually sure if he does, and nobody ever calls him by name, always only asking how is he feeling, so I still don’t know who the fuck he is. But he’s the one, right? He’s dying, isn’t he.” And it’s not even a question, and so again, nobody answers. Well, at least not until somebody Niall haven’t ever seen in that house comes out of the _haunted_ rooms.

“You mean Liam?” he asks, but it sounds like a threat. The guy is only an inch taller than him, but he’s towering him now and he looks pretty intimidating if you asked. His skin is nice shade of olive and his eyes are the colour of whiskey. He’d be fucking beautiful if he didn’t mean to be so scary. But Niall doesn’t have any of it.

“Yes, for fuck’s sake, so he does in fact have a name!” he responds loudly, despite everyone’s expectations. The three of his flatmates look startled for a second, before the _‘black coffee mystery’_ – as Niall assumes – speaks again.

“You think he’s fucking deaf or what?! Who the fuck even _are_ you in the first place and what the fuck are you doing in this flat” he demands. Niall laughs whole heartedly.

“This place is freakin’ weird, ya know” he manages between the fits of giggles.

“I like him.” Louis says to Harry quietly, with a shadow of smile ghosting on his lips.

“Yeah, I think – I think I might too.” Harry smiles a bit more confidently and shrugs sheepishly at the _‘black coffee mystery’_ guy.

“If you weren’t shut down in your freaking haunting territory the whole fucking time, you’d know you have a new flatmate!” Niall exclaims finally when he calms down from his laughter.

“My _what?_ ” the guy asks glaring at him with raised eyebrows.

“Your haunting territory.” Niall repeats offhandedly as if he didn’t feel the tense atmosphere surrounding them all.

“You got to be fucking kidding me” the guy states incredulously but when Niall shakes his head firmly, that’s the exact moment when he loses it too, and bursts into laughter even louder than their previous argument. Harry and Louis join him too, because how _ridiculous_ that even sounds, and they all laugh until the next door opens.

“Zayn?” there’s a quiet voice coming from the ajar door, that makes everybody stay still and completely quiet in a matter of a second.

“What is it Li?” the _‘black coffee mystery’ – Zayn_ apparently – responds immediately. “Do you need anything?” he asks, worry thick in his voice. “I’m sorry, we didn’t mean to wake you.” It’s half past twelve. Niall wants to punch him.

“No, no, it’s fine.” The voice replies. “I actually – I mean – you were laughing and – uh -”

“I’m _sorry_.” Zayn repeats and the blonde guy wants to ask _why_ , _WHY_ is he apologizing for that, but before he manages, the voice rushes to speak again.

“No! No, don’t apologize.” He says. “I mean – I just –“ he stutters, as if he wasn’t sure if he was allowed to say whatever he wanted to. “I just thought maybe I could – could _meet him_.” He manages finally.

“Meet whom?” Niall blurts out confused. There’s a moment of silence after that where everyone looks at everyone searching for the right answer or whatever it is – Niall doesn’t know.

“You.”

* * *

_‘How is he feeling mystery’_ looks polite, Niall decides. He’s not this kind of stunningly beautiful as the _‘black coffee mystery’_ and not as charmingly looking as the _‘frog prince’_ but you definitely couldn’t say he doesn’t look good, because he does. Maybe he’s a little bit pale, though it’s not a matter of his complexion, but more like the lack of sun, vitamins and sleep, and maybe he’s also a bit lanky, like he haven’t eaten properly in a while, but generally he doesn’t look bad. His smile is a tad bit forced and he looks as if he wasn’t really used to standing on the common ground of this flat, even though he’s been living there for God knows how long. His hair is brown and curly, even though it’s not particularly long, and his brown eyes are shiny and warm though rather sad.

Niall doesn’t get to know any details this day. He’d ask, but he knows the limits and he decides against it until he can stay with Liam ( _Leeyum,_ was it?) alone. He doesn’t know if that _ever_ happens, but he’s got a plan and well, who’s there to tell him no. They play FIFA even though the dark guardian (Niall thinks this name suits him even better than ‘black coffee’, although there are similarities he can’t not notice) doesn’t seem to enjoy it in the slightest. He’s curled up in the other lad’s lap most of the time, and when it’s his turn he simply looses each match, telling _Leeyum_ he doesn’t really care.

* * *

There’s a notebook where Niall writes _things_ , and under today’s date it says:

_So apparently the two haunting mysteries are very close. Could it be ‘how are you feeling’ likes black coffee? I have an awkward feeling._


	2. Things I wanna know

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I'm adding it a bit earlier than I thought I would, but.. Can't wait to share it, since I have written it already, so. I hope it won't dissappoint you! Please let me know what you think! Enjoy x

The next day doesn’t change a thing. It’s a Sunday and as usual Harry’s alarm goes off at 8:30 in the morning. He gets up at 8:35 and goes in the shower. At 9:00am Harry walks in the kitchen and puts the kettle on to make his peppermint (or whatever it really is) tea. He fixes his drink and with that goes to the living room to read a book on the couch. The flat is relatively quiet until Niall wakes up around 9:40. He doesn’t bother to keep silent during fixing his breakfast and then he leaves for a run. He comes back around 11 and goes straight to the shower where he sings at the top of his lungs whatever song crosses his mind. There’s a sound of a shoe hitting the wall and a low grumble from the haunted area that makes him laugh but doesn’t stop him from singing. He puts clothes on and heads to prepare his brunch (scrambled eggs with bread and tea (Earl Gray, thank you very much)). Ten minutes later deadly-looking Louis comes in and lunatically makes his Yorkshire sacred shit and then sits at the table. At quarter to twelve Harry comes in again and makes black coffee that he carries to the haunted area for the _‘black coffee mystery’_ guy. Louis follows his movements with a longing gaze. They chill around until Niall has to go to work. Most of the day Harry studies for his Monday classes and Louis does whatever it is he does, but he promises to come around for a drink or two. (It turns out he comes around for 8. And he’s wasted at  his 6 th. But no one has to know).

* * *

 

Niall likes Josh. Josh is another bartender in the club and he’s funny and simply nice. He looks like the kind of guy who wouldn’t mind if you crashed at his at three in the morning and who’d help you laugh every possible problem you could come up with off using his easy going personality. Niall doesn’t tell him about _things_ , but he decides one day he might and maybe at some point he’d also like to take him home. This day he only asks him to help with getting home the very drunk Louis.

* * *

 

There’s a notebook where Niall writes _things_ , and under today’s date it says:

_So now I got it sorted. Apparently ‘Yorkshire fanatic’ is in love with ‘frog price’. ‘Frog price’ is in love with ‘black coffee mystery’ and ‘black coffee’ is in love with ‘how are you feeling’. Whom loves our Leeyum though?_

* * *

 

On Friday for the first time since Niall has moved to the flat everybody apart from him and _‘how are you feeling’_ is out at the same time. He’s taken a day off specially for this occasion. He knows Harry has an important exam in the afternoon and he’s studying in the library with his university colleagues, and Louis’ left to Doncaster, because he’d promised to finally visit his family which lives there and he’s going to stay there over the weekend. He doesn’t know what has dragged Zayn out but the only information he needs is that he isn’t coming back until late evening.

The first thing Niall does when he’s left alone is walking in the _haunted_ area. He decides to break in _‘black coffee’s_ room first, because that looks like a more dangerous mission. It’s not even really closed fortunately, so he doesn’t have to damage anything to open the door. It’d be actually pretty weird if the door was locked, because normally nobody needs to be afraid of somebody breaking in their _room_ – Niall reminds himself and goes in without a second thought. He hasn’t expected what he sees in front of him now but thinking of it maybe one could’ve suspected it. The place is covered in paints, canvases, sprays, sheets of paper, sketches, paintings and sculptures. It’s a really big room, with a  bed right in the middle of it. Though the bed doesn’t really look very used... It’s actually _made_ and smells really _fresh_ and _clean_ and Niall has a feeling Zayn hasn’t really slept in this room since a very long time. All the other parts of the place however are a completely different case. There are paintings hung on the walls and sketches covering the floor. Niall doesn’t look too much into the ones that are uncovered though. There’s one of Harry and one of Louis, and then there’s also one really beautiful piece showing Liam, but apart from that there are things, landscapes and people he doesn’t recognize. He goes to the desk and opens a cupboard with more sketches. Then there are also some paintings covered with a coloured in paint sheet and some sketchbooks hidden under the bed. All of them filled to the last page with Liam. Paintings of Liam, drawings of Liam, sketches of Liam. Liam during his sleep, smiling Liam, sad Liam, Liam crying, half naked Liam, Liam laughing, Liam in bed, Liam with somebo – is that Zayn there? (Niall can’t be sure, since the man’s face is buried in Liam’s neck, but judging by the posture and his hair, well) and so on. And then he also finds a notebook with lyrics... Very suggestive, longing, heartbreaking lyrics. And he has an idea of who might that lyrics be directed at. All in all it looks pretty much like Liam’s sanctuary.

Niall puts everything back on its place and runs out of the room before he freaks out. It takes him whole fifteen minutes and a huge cup of lemon balm to calm down from the discovery. It takes him another five to build up the courage to try for another mystery’s room too, but he knows there might not be a second chance in a long while so he knocks and waits for _Leeyum_ to answer that.

There’s a bit of silence for a while, so he knocks again, and again, until he hears a grumble and some shifting in the other room.

“Go away Lou” a voice says. “I know you’re pissed and Zayn’s out but I don’t care, I can’t anymore, just go, please.” it whines and Niall wonders how many times has Louis came back home drunk off his ass and what does Zayn have to do with any of that. He knocks again. He hears once more some shifting and then the doors are opened in front of him sharply. “I said – oh.” The curly haired boy stops halfway through his sentence startled. “What are you doing here?” he asks but it doesn’t sound like reproof, coming more from the surprise.

“Just standing for now.” Niall shrugs simply and grins to the other guy. “Wouldn’t mind coming in though.” He adds  and Liam lets him without any further questioning in his daze. The room looks smaller than Zayn’s, but it’s still big and spacey enough to feel comfortable and it has a kitchen counter and a bathroom. There’s a huge unmade bed in the middle that looks _very_ used by more than just one person, judging by the amount of pillows and the piles of completely different looking clothes on both its sides. There’s a wide open wardrobe on the right, a desk with a computer on the left, behind it a door to the balcony in front of the entrance a bit to the left (Niall didn’t even realize there was a balcony in the flat, but whatever). He can also see another door on the right that he knows lead to Zayn’s room skipping the hall and that explains why he never sees the two out of their space.

“I’m sorry for the mess.” Liam says looking sheepish but he only shakes his head and jumps on the bed without a second thought.

“S’alright mate.” He says. “You mind this?” he asks motioning to the bed he lays on now and this time it’s the other guy who’s shaking his head at that. “C’mon then.” Niall prompts and that has the boy finally relaxing a bit and sitting on the bed too.

“So – ”

“So – ” Niall repeats and chuckles without an actual reason. “Yeah, I guess I should probably say something after all that mess.” He says. “Was just curious actually, you know? You never really come out and, like, I don’t get to see ya at all so”

“Uh.” Liam ( _Leeyum,_ it suits him even better. _Leeyum._ _How are you feeling, Leeyum_?) looks away and sighs heavily. “I used to go out a lot, but it’s just – just – you know, it’s really hard lately, yeah?”

“And what’s so hard about it?” Niall raises an eyebrow expectantly.

“You don’t understand” he sighs again laying down on the bed next to him.

“Care to explain then?” Niall asks again not bothered in the slightest. “You know, I might come off as really nosy and annoying but actually, it’s not like it changes anything. Your _‘black coffee mystery’_ comes back in the evening and I won’t be here by then. It won’t change a thing.” He says offhandedly.

“My ‘ _black coffee mystery’_? And what on earth do you mean by that?” Liam asks bewildered.

“Oh shit mate, I forgot!” Niall chuckles. “I mean – I meant Zayn of course.” He replies but then adds hurriedly – “or do _you_ actually drink that black coffee Harry makes and carries over here every single day?”

“Nah, that’s for sure Zayn’s, yeah.” He answers with a tender little smile this time. “I totally don’t get how he is able to even drink that to be honest. It’s seriously awful.” He rolls his eyes fondly and Niall wonders. He wonders if the two of them are actually _something_. If Liam _knows._ If he _loves_ Zayn too. That would make at least one happy couple, right?

“You love him, yeah?” he asks.

“Course I do” Liam says simply with a happy smile and Niall notes to himself that he doesn’t. Well then, shit happens. It seems this flat is built out of unrequited love. “How could one not, you know? He’s a wonderful guy, our Zaynie.”

“You probably didn’t see him the other day.” Niall laughs. “Can be proper scary if he wants.”

They don’t go back to his first question immediately after that, but move to aimless chatting and laughing as if they actually knew each other for quite a while already. It’s effortless enough for both of them to feel it’s a bit strange, but they don’t mind one bit the easy conversation, until it comes back to the very reason why Liam is stuck in his room in the first place.

“I’ve heard you telling the guys you know I’m – um – _sick._ ” He says finally.

“I’ve never said you were _sick_.” Niall corrects. “I said you were _dying_. And that’s a different case.” He says. “But are you? Are you really dying?”

“What do you –“

“No, stop, it’s a yes or no question.” Niall interrupts. “Are you dying or not? Did they tell you you’ve got, supposedly, a year, or – a month – whatever? Yes or no? Answer.”

“No.” Liam sighs defeated.

“Then _why_ did you stop living?” he pushes.

“Wha – Whoa, what?” Liam exclaims appalled. “I didn’t stop living? Not yet, at least, as you can see!”

“Yes you did, _clearly_ , since you’re not even moving out of this room, Leeyum!” Niall points out. “When was the last time you did something particularly _funny? Exciting? Adventurous?_ ” he asks pointedly.

“You called me Leeyum.” The curly boy says only, looking puzzled as ever.

“Um. Yes, and what with that? Does that have anything to do with those exciting things you’ve been doing recently?” Niall raises his eyebrows.

“Uh. No, just – was surprised is all. Nobody really calls me that, apart from Zayn obviously.” He shrugs. “Oh ya, Louis used to sometimes – he has his moments, yeah? Especially when he – oh, doesn’t matter.” He cuts himself off on that and then continues. “So, okay, you might be right about those _funny, exciting_ things and all, but like – I didn’t have much of a choice, yeah? It’s not like I told them to shut me down in here. They just wouldn’t stop _looking_ at me that way and tiptoeing around me the way it was driving me crazy, you know? And babysitting me and stopping from any supposedly ‘dangerous’ things like – like _everything_. You know, I don’t go out because I don’t even have to anymore. I’ve got everything in here and my family actually pays for all of that, because they were too weak to even stand my presence among them, you know? Constantly crying and all shit, I just had to run away, and they _just_ agreed, yeah? Zayn was, like, the only person in my life who actually dared to stay with me, like, you know, _really_ stick around. Like, watch movies with me and draw for me his silly doodles and not – God, they made it feel really awful, like, like I _was_ dying. And then I could obviously run away or summat, but – what for? Who with? I have _nowhere_ to go and _nobody_ to accompany me so... yeah, pretty sad, innit?” he frowns.

Niall doesn’t respond for a while. He stares at the other guy with a blank expression for a short moment and then just rolls from the bed, gets up and reaches out for Liam determinedly. “Get up.” He commands.

“What?” Liam asks confused.

“Get _up_.” Niall says again and pulls him up firmly. “It’s pretty warm but you should put a jumper on, you’re not used to. We’re heading out.” He states and then leaves the room, leaving the door wide open. For some unexplainable reason Liam follows him with a jumper in his hands.


	3. Things I better hide

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a bit longer than the previous ones and I hope it's a good thing.  
> I know things get messy, but I promise it won't stay like that, no worries!  
> Really hope you enjoy! x

            They’ve left at around nine in the morning and when they come back it’s already past midnight so Zayn and Harry must both be in the flat by now. They go inside without even a single thought about whoever or whatever might think of their little trip though, because why would anyone think of it in the first place? Liam is laughing, his hair is a buzz cut now and his shirt is a tad bit dirty with dried ice cream. Niall is leading the way, his lips also spread in a wide grin and his eyes shining. He’s pleased with himself and he doesn’t need to talk about it to feel like he achieved something. He did. Their smiles falter though when they get in and are met with wide awaken, angry Zayn seemingly on edge and a very tired, worried Harry crumpled on the armchair.

            “Where the fuck have you two been?” _angry black, the dark guardian,_ asks threatening. He’s voice is a low grumble, but it seems way more frightening than it possibly could if he was full on yelling.

            “Out?” Liam squeaks looking away sheepishly. His eyes are pleading when he shoots Niall a glance, but the blonde doesn’t have any of that. He waits a whole second, before he sees Zayn getting up abruptly and coming closer in a very dangerous manner.

            “Out? _Out?!_ Are you fucking kidding me _Leeyum!?_ ” he growls. “I was out of my mind here worrying about you, and all you’ve got to say is _out_!? You left your phone here and you haven’t even left a single note for me, what the fuck!  And what the heck happened to your hair for fuck’s sake?!” he yells. He looks mad. _The ‘frog prince’_ on the other hand looks simply like an actual frog on the couch, listening to their argument with wide eyes and his mouth open. He doesn’t look really angry, like Zayn is. He looks plain worried and maybe surprised.

            “Oh get off him, will ya!” Niall yells finally. “Are you playing his vexed daddy now, or what? You’ve shut him down in this shithole for the time being as if you had any right to make him a prisoner and now when he’s had _one day_ being out and happy it’s already too much for you to handle!? And if he wanted to shave his hair off it’s none of your business. You don’t get to play with people’s lives like that.” He says then. “He’s not dying, is he? Well then, why do you treat him like he was.”

            “Where were you?” Zayn asks again, this time weakly, defeated, with his shoulders slumped and his eyes watery.

            Liam looks lost and Niall isn’t sure if he wants to fight because it’s not fair of them to treat him like they’ve done this far, or if he just wants the comfort of Zayn’s arms and somebody to listen to that story about where they have actually gone today. Or maybe – Niall thinks – he wants just someone to make a decision for him instead. Preferably Harry? But Harry does not do a thing, so Niall takes his hand and says.

            “He’ll tell you. But we’re tired now, so, heading to sleep, yeah, Leeyum?” he smiles. “And right, sorry we didn’t leave a note. We just forgot. Next time I’ll remember to do so, no worries. Goodnight guys.” He adds and pulls Liam with himself.

            They end up in Niall’s room and he knows it’s not fair of him to do so when he takes off his tank top and throws it on the chair next to his bed. He knows how unfair he behaves when the memories from this morning flash bright in his head. He feels like a family wrecker when he thinks of Zayn ( _Zaynie,_ was it?) alone out there in the empty bed smelling of his dearest _Leeyum_. But it’s not his decision to make, and the freshly shaven boy stands in the middle of the room awkwardly not knowing what to do.

            “Do I – ?” he flushes red as he lets out an unfinished question.

            “You do whatever you want to do.” Niall replies simply. “My bed is big enough if you feel like staying. I’ve heard I’m also not half bad at cuddles if that’s what you need. But feel free to go in any case, if you want, yeah? I think your _dark guardian_ is going crazy right now.” He states.

            “I – you sure?”

            “I won’t repeat a thing I said. But I usually mean what I’m saying.”

            “I’ll stay. Thank you.” Liam mumbles finally and Niall smiles at him brightly and jumps on the bed pulling out his notebook “Oh, and you could really stop pretending it’s not you who actually needs those cuddles”. He hears after that and there’s a hint of smirk on Liam’s lips. Niall laughs at that loudly.

* * *

 

            Under today’s date Niall’s notebook says:

            _So apparently ‘How are you feeling’ only_ might _be dying (and, surprisingly, he also has some sense of humour). Also, ‘black coffee mystery’ is a total freak, ‘Yorkshire fanatic’ is an addict, ‘frog prince’ is worried and I’m gonna sleep with our Leeyum. Sleeping on the first date? Guess tragedy brings people closer. But well, nobody knows what we’ve been doing on that very “date” of ours... (cause that’s a secret)._

* * *

 

            When Niall wakes up the Saturday morning it’s to the image of Liam sitting on the edge of the bed with his head hidden in his hands. He looks tired and in need of some space to think things over, although Niall supposes he might have spent already the whole night exactly on thinking things over (with no result as it seems). There’s a sound of the kettle going off in the kitchen and an annoyed groan coming from Liam’s room in which Zayn has probably spent the night (as he always does, although this time alone).

            “Stop worrying.” Niall says sleepily and curls his arm around Liam’s waist, pulling him in closer.

            “I think I wanna get a tattoo.” Liam responds after a moment of silence.

            “Okay.”

* * *

 

            Harry is already in the living room when they walk into the kitchen so they’re free to prepare their breakfast without anybody’s interruption. (Zayn won’t be up for another few hours from what Niall’s learnt, and Louis is still at his family’s place (apparently, cause, really, Niall isn’t so sure anymore)). They eat it before going out and doing the morning run – which Niall’s surprised Liam’s agreed to, but whatever – and then take turns in the shower.  When they are back, eating some brunch (or maybe it’s only Niall who is eating his eight eggs, since Liam still feels content with his breakfast from a few hours ago) it turns out that Louis has come back earlier than they were all expecting him to.  Niall doesn’t know what to think of his appearance and he can’t really decide if it is better or worse. At least he looks stable and there’s a hint of smile on his lips so maybe he actually enjoyed his days off. (Days off? Off from what? Because from what Niall remembers... well).

            “Okay, so this is really weird you two are so close friends now, when you hardly ever even saw each other just before yesterday.” Louis states when he comes in on them playing FIFA and joking around in the living room later. “Oh, and – have you really shaved your head Li?” he raises his eyebrows but there is a slight frown to that and Niall wonders if his associations go in the same direction, the _sickness_. He doesn’t say a thing. He knows it must be weird, them getting along so well after only one day and Liam shaving his hair off, but he doesn’t really feel like telling Louis about _this_ , so.

            “Yeah, felt like it for some time already.” Liam replies, ignoring the first statement altogether.

            “You gonna fill me in on that friendship of yours, or?” Louis pushes impatiently but they both look at each other briefly and shake their heads simultaneously. “Well then, I’m gonna go find Zayn.” He rolls his eyes and gives in with a shrug.

* * *

            The next two weeks are a mess. It starts on Tuesday night, when Louis comes home once again drunk off his ass and cries like a baby, so nobody is able to sleep because of his loud sobs. That night Niall’s notebook says only:

_If he doesn’t shut up right this moment, I’m gonna go hit him with a frying pan. Damn addicts._

            Then on Wednesday, Harry for the first time since Niall’s moved there breaks his habit by oversleeping half an hour. It wouldn’t be anything serious if it didn’t make his hands shake enough for breaking a mug with his beloved herbal shit and then lead to him crying on the floor. Niall realizes there are more things he doesn’t know about his flatmates and even _‘frog prince’_ has his precious secrets. He thinks he’s had enough though and decides to stop trying to guess everything and instead try to make him drunk enough to open up and start talking about the _things_. (It’s not a particularly hard task, since Harry is so unused to drinking it doesn’t take him long to get tipsy).

            He leaves it for the day but takes another two days off from work for Thursday and Friday and brings Harry to the club he’s working at. There’s Josh behind the bar, so he lets him in on his plan and thanks for the slightly watery drinks he’s getting, just to not make Harry suspicious as to why he is the only one drinking. It takes only around half an hour for the curly boy to start talking.

            “We used to date, you know?” he lets out sadly over his drink.

            “You and Zayn?” Niall asks tenderly, thinking of the back coffee ‘ _frog prince’_ prepares every single day and carries over for the other guy to drink, but Harry looks at him incredulously.

            “What? No, me and Louis.” He says as if it was the most obvious thing in the whole world. Maybe to him it is.

            “And what happened?”

            “What happened, what happened.” Harry shrugs tiredly and downs his shot in one go looking away. “Liam happened.” He spits. Niall looks at him puzzled for a moment. He then remembers Liam talking about Louis in a way and cutting himself off on that, but he’s thought this whole time those four were friends and he doesn’t understand a thing now. “He didn’t – he doesn’t know.” Harry continues finally, no heat in his voice anymore. “Liam, that is. I was so in love with him for, like, years, really, but he had his eyes only for Liam that whole time. And Liam was dating Sophia.” He sighs. “A bitch, she was.” He adds as an afterthought. “Me and Louis started dating in my third grade of high school. I can’t believe how happy I was at the time. It was like all of my dreams coming true all at once. But he wanted to keep it a secret for a while. And I was perfectly fine with that, because we were so young and we didn’t know what was gonna happen the next day and just – I don’t know, I was fucking dumb, yeah?” he shakes his head and downs another drink. “And then – I don’t even remember how much time it’s taken – Sophia dumped Liam. They went somewhere together and when he came back, he was already single. We didn’t know why and we wanted to be there for him but he was trying so hard to keep it together, you know? He was so _broken_ , and he wouldn’t talk about it, pretending everything was fine and Louis said we couldn’t tell him about us because it’d make it worse for him and I _understood_ that.” Harry sighs again and a tear rolls down his cheek. “I came in on them kissing in the kitchen only three weeks or so later. Like, a heated making out session would be more suitable word for that actually.” He chokes out wiping the tears from his face. Another sad drunk – Niall decides uselessly.

            “Josh, we’ll need more of whatever you were serving us for the past half an hour.” Niall calls then and turns his head back to Harry. “And what then?” he asks.

            “We broke up. He said he was _sorry_. That he didn’t mean for it to happen and shit. I didn’t care.” Harry says reaching for another shot left on the bar. “He didn’t tell Liam but I told Zayn. When they started to date officially a week or so later Zayn broke his wrist hitting a wall and only Liam was stupid enough to believe it was an accident. You know, they used to be best mates, Louis and Zayn, like, partners in crime and all, but... after that it only went downhill. And it was going like that for several months, almost half a year I guess.”

            “Half a year is still not much.” Niall says concerned.

            “Yeah, well, then Liam finally decided to tell us why Sophia had ended everything with him in the first place. So then it turned out he wasn’t even so broken over her. More because he was _sick_. A bad kind of _sick_. And she’d left him, because she couldn’t stand the thought of him dying one day and leaving _her_ instead.” Harry replies and another tear rolls down his cheek. “So now it made sense he didn’t want to tell us, and he was scared and – but Louis did exactly the same thing as that hag!” He says angrily. “I hated it when they were together but then – It was just not fair, so not fair! He left him. He didn’t mean to, but it was too much for him to handle and he started to drink. Every night. Coming back drunk and crying half the night just like the other day. And I couldn’t stand it! I had to go for a therapy and I started to learn those stupid habits of mine to keep it together and – ” And Harry is full on crying.

            Niall moves in closer and pulls him in a hug mumbling some soothing words into his warm skin and kissing it lightly. He doesn’t know what to do with this shitload of information just yet and he doesn’t really think there is anything appropriate or inappropriate to do at the moment. The only thing he knows how to do now is distracting. “Don’t cry, Harry. You’re a wonderful person and I can see how much it touched you, but you didn’t deserve it, trust me. You deserve so much better.” He says kissing Harry’s temple.

            “Why can’t anybody love me?” Harry cries out in response, sniffing loudly.

            “They do, darling. It’s just the way it is for now, but everything will be alright. You’ll all figure it out, I promise.” Niall says and kisses his cheek this time.

            “Can you? Can _you_ love me? Just – just tonight.” Harry chokes out insecurely and Niall sighs at that, having suspected it already. He’s good at being distracting.

            “I can.”

* * *

            Harry tastes like these sweet lemon drinks and his salty tears. His lips are full and soft and Niall thinks kissing him wasn’t a bad idea at all. It was one of the better ones this day. His hands are big and strong and when he pushes him up against the wall of his bedroom and bites the tender skin of his neck desperately it’s not even a question if Niall wants it or not anymore. But he’s a good person. And so he clenches his hands on Harry’s hips, pushes him back to the bed and crawls on him, placing himself right on top of this pretty boy.

            “I don’t think you know what you want now, Harry.” He lets out hoarsely. “But I know what you need, and these two might be a bit different things.” He reasons.

            “Please, Niall, just – can’t you _just_ fuck me?” Harry pleads with his eyes closed and his mouth obscenely slick and invitingly open.

            “Nah, mate, you’re drunk, I won’t take advantage of you like that.” Niall replies regretfully. “I can blow you though. And stay the night.” He whispers hotly into the warm skin with his palms already down Harry’s abdomen and when he hears the hitched, uneven breath of the curly boy at that, he knows that this will do.

            So this is Thursday. On Friday it gets even more messy, because Harry oversleeps again and Liam is looking for Niall, so he walks in on them still not fully clothed in bed which is plain awkward. And for some unexplainable reason understandable only to himself, Harry says it’s not what Liam thinks. Niall on the other hand says it is _exactly_ what he thinks “but”, while Liam says he doesn’t think anything and walks out.  Then on Saturday Louis asks what happened the other day that caused Niall and Liam to become _NiallandLiam_ for the second time, since they never responded him to that, and Niall is once again faced with an unexplainable reaction of a person, because for some ridiculous reason Liam blurts out with a “We went on a date, you know? And it just clicked so.. So yeah, we’re just... dating. Ya.” And it happens that Harry hears it and gets beside himself with anger, because how dared Niall not tell him and use him to cheat on Liam like that. He even yells straight in front of everybody that if Niall had told him he was already in a relationship, Harry wouldn’t have ever slept with him. That loud declaration brings even Zayn out of his little sanctuary and it’s really no surprise that he looks more than devastated. That night Louis gets so intoxicated with alcohol they have to take him to the hospital. The doctors do their best but they still have to keep him there for a few days. He doesn’t die, but it’s a close call.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! x  
> DON'T HATE ME! And also, please send me some feedback (I'm really excited to see what you think and what kinda ideas perhaps you have of possible things that might happen next!)


	4. Things I misunderstood

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm starting to think this fic is really sad.. but it won't be like that forever? I mean, It's gonna be alright and like - they are a bunch of broken lads kinda, but, hey, I'm gonna fix it!

            Lately notes in Niall’s notebook pop up more often than ever. Most of them are a complete mess of confusing thoughts and scratches. He doesn’t even care how does it look like anymore. He’s puzzled and he needs painkillers for his stupid headache.

_04.04, Wednesday_

_I thought it_ _’s a good sign that_ _‘frog prince’ has finally broken one of his ridiculous habits, but, guess I was all wrong. God help me with this fucking mess of a human, gotta resolve some real issues today._

_05.04, Thursday_

_I got it all wrong. All fucking wrong. ‘Frog prince’ is a light headed sad drunk with a lot to talk about. ~~Could be a great shag.~~ ~~I’m a good person though.~~_

_06.04, Friday_

_I take it back, sleeping with ‘frog prince’ was a dumb idea. He’s ridiculous and feels guilty for no reason._

_07.04, Saturday_

_Okay, now he does have a reason to feel guilty, cause ‘how are you feeling’ said that apparently we’re dating. ~~What the fuck.~~ I’ve confirmed, because he must have had a reason to say so (‘Yorkshire fanatic?). So ‘frog prince’ got furious. Well... can’t blame him?_

_08.04, Sunday_

_‘Yorkshire fanatic’ is in the hospital. Can’t wait till they send him for a rehab. We’ve all had enough of his shit._

_09.04, Monday_

_Finally have time to put it all together. So – it seems – it’s all exactly the other way around. Apparently ‘frog prince’ loves ‘Yorkshire fanatic’ (who’s probably feeling guilty or so it looks), while our addict’s still hung on Leeyum (why did he leave him in favour of drinking and being depressed is beyond myself, really). I guess ‘how are you feeling’ might love him back but.. well, he chose himself, didn’t he? What about ‘black coffee’ and his freaking obsession? Does that change too!?_

_10.04, Tuesday_

_I’m done with this house of freaks. Gotta finally talk to Leeyum. And I’ll pry things out of Zayn no matter if he wants it or not. ~~Would shag him too, but as it is now...~~_ _That headache is killing me._

* * *

 

            “We’ll talk about things _now.”_ Niall grunts into Liam’s ear and heads for his bedroom. They were sitting on the couch, their bodies pressed together, as if there wasn’t enough space, which there obviously was, but. So Niall knows they _have to_ talk about this at some point and now is as good time as ever. “What did you do that for?” he exclaims walking into his room, Liam following him straight after with his head down.

            “You mean the other night when –“

            “You know exactly what I mean.”

            “I – Why didn’t you tell them it’s not true?” Liam asks suddenly, and it sounds almost accusingly.

            “What did you want me to do? Tell them you’re lying? That it’s utter bullshit, we’re not dating, and I have no idea what you’re on about? Because that’d be true.” Niall responds, starting to collect his stuff and then making the bed just to keep himself busy.

            “No.” Liam looks away blushing. “Thanks, I guess?”

            Then there’s a moment of silence, when nobody says anything and Liam only picks on his clothes awkwardly, not knowing what to do next. Niall leaves the nicely made duvets alone and walks across the room to stand straight in front of his flatmate.

            “So, if you don’t wanna come out as a liar, I think this will be perfectly suitable for such a situation.” He says mockingly, pulling the other boy in by the collar of his shirt and kissing him fiercely. He sees Liam’s eyes widen in shock for a second before his eyelids drop finally and he catches up on what’s actually happening and starts to respond forcefully. It’s nearly brutal at first, strong and angry, but it slows down little by little and begins to be softer, almost tender and affectionate. It doesn’t take too long for Liam’s hands to start to wander ‘round Niall’s body and soon he’s pulling the other guy’s tank top up and tracing a path on a delicate skin under it. “Don’t get ahead of yourself” Niall breathes out breaking the kiss and smacking him on the hands.

            Liam shakes his head unbelievingly to what’s just happened. “So why did you –” he wants to ask again about that conversation with Lou, but Niall cuts in before he’s even able to finish.

            “Cause people always have their reasons for what they do, even if what they do is stupid.” He says only. “Now, I assume you already know how a relationship looks like, so, just so you understand – we’re gonna do just that over there.” He motions to the door. “And you can move some of your stuff here. Don’t recon you’ll be sleeping with Zayn anytime soon? Especially since you weren’t for the past few days, so – no point anymore.” he finishes, heading to the exit.

            “Wait.” Liam catches him by the wrist before he can walk away. “Are you seriously okay with that?” he asks bewildered.

            “Leeyum.” Niall sighs. “Did you ask me that before you blurted out with this shit? No? So why do you ask me that now?” he raises his eyebrows at him. “If I was to disagree, I would do that right in the moment you’ve said it.” He explains.

            “Yes, and I still don’t get why didn’t you do exactly that.” The boy says sheepishly, looking away embarrassed.

            “Guess you have to deal with it then.” Niall shrugs and wants to already take his hand back, but Liam holds onto it firmly and pulls him back in closer.

            “Then we better practise some more?” he grins at him smugly and Niall has to admit it shocks him quite strongly – enough to stay quiet for a second too long, and to let Liam’s lips meet his once again in that short moment. He allows it to happen, enjoys it even, just like he did before. It’s not like with Harry. It doesn’t taste like lemons and tears, it’s not out of pity or from pure attraction and lust. For a second he also thinks it’s not like it’d be with Zayn, whom maybe Niall would like to kiss too, because he’s freaking beautiful, even if slightly crazy (although now it might be already too late), but then it’s just Liam, Leeyum, _Leeyum_ with his full lips and his slick tongue and his big hands – just – just Liam.

            He’s pushed on the bed within a moment and his arms immediately go around the other guy’s waistband and then up to his neck. There is no curly hair to pull at anymore (not that he did that before), but he doesn’t really mind that when he knows it’s all thanks to him.

            “It’s ridiculous” he breathes out, his hands sliding down Liam’s body and cupping his round arse. “We’re ridiculous.” He moans.

            “Yeah” Liam gasps, but doesn’t stop moving on him, his hips going up and down, looking for some friction. “Yeah, just –“ but he doesn’t get to finish that sentence, because his body goes limp, his blood drains from his face and in a matter of seconds he falls on top of Niall looking almost lifeless. He’s fainted and Niall tries his best to not freak out.

* * *

 

            They take him to the hospital rather quickly, the other guys panicked as they hear about what’s happened and Niall thinks it must have happened before, because they are not really that surprised with the fainting but more with Liam actually showing any interest in Niall in a sexual way. (Niall does consider it an insult for a while).

            The doctors say he’s stable but their worried faces tell the blonde guy that not everything is gonna be alright. He tries to ask them about how things are, but apparently only Zayn is on the list of people allowed to get his medical information, so he lets the darker boy talk with them and hopes he’ll pry this out of him later.

            Meanwhile he decides to pay a visit to Louis, since he should be now in the same building, but when he gets there, they tell him they’ve already sent Lou for a rehab, because any amount of alcohol more and he wouldn’t make it alive. Niall is pleased with that turn of happenings and he doesn’t waste the time to pass it to Harry.

            “And what do I do with that information?” Harry asks though.

            “I – I dunno? I mean, thought you’d be happy.” Niall looks at him puzzled and sits beside him on a hospital chair.

            “And why would I be happy?” Harry lets out impatiently.

            “Thought you loved him. He’s gonna get better.” Niall says tenderly.

            “Yeah, I used to do that, used to think that. But I doubt I still do now. Don’t think there are feelings left for him anymore? I'm so tired, you know? Like, he destroyed it all, he did too many bad things to just keep on loving him. I used to though. And it hurt like hell. But it still hurts, those things he’s done to me. I just don’t think it’s because of love anymore. I was trying to not see, thought he was getting better lately, but look where it brought me now. Couldn't love him with all that. It's not love. That’d be too much if it was. Too much to carry on.”

            “But now you’re in love with Zayn.” Niall states with a sigh. Harry only nods silently with a little helpless shrug of his shoulders. “I’m giving up.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry, yeah? Hope you liked the Niam part though, and promise it'll all be good in the end! I'm gonna make the next chapter a happy one! Or so I'll try!
> 
> Comments, kudos? I love when I can read what you think so..  
> Thank you!


	5. Things you wouldn't tell me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Important note here:  
> So this chapter is basically kind of a throwback and a massive filler when it comes to the actual happenings, but it is rather neccessary to get through it cause it contains information you might want to get, so. It's also looong and mostly Liam's point of view on some things, yeah? Hope it won't bore you to death and you'll enjoy, cause I for sure was enjoying writing it! x

Zayn doesn’t tell Niall the things he feels like he _needs_ to know. He also doesn’t look angry anymore though, more even like he’s given up and that is a whole lot more depressing than it used to be before. He’s staying at the hospital most of the time, sleeping there and waiting for a miracle to happen. Niall doesn’t know what kind of miracle they are waiting for, since nobody wants to tell him what is really going on and he’s not even let in, so this is pretty much why he decides to go back to the flat. He has to find the information. He knows people. He knows how they work. He’s learnt this much. He thinks he knows what he is looking for. And so he heads straight for Liam’s room and turns it upside down in a search of the one thing that might hold the information he craves for. And doesn’t find what he thought he would, but at least he finds _something_ , and he thinks this should be enough. It’s under Liam’s pillow actually, not very hard hidden, really. It’s a simple notebook, similar to the one Niall is writing in himself. This one’s thicker though. Filled with neat handwriting from the first page. It’s still half empty, waiting for more notes to come and that assures Niall that Liam will be alright just so he could get back to it, to write more of that. For a brief moment he asks himself if he would ever forgive anybody reading his diary. (Though diaries are for teenage girls, and Liam is a grown up man). It’s invading privacy and it’s unfair and Niall shouldn’t ever read it, but he opens it anyway, with no care in the world, because fuck knows they all won’t tell him a single thing unless they’re drunk. And Josh’s been kind enough but Niall won’t ask him for yet another favour. Besides, Liam looks in no state for drinking and he doesn’t think Zayn’d ever agree to go out with him like that, even if he’s desperate for amnesia and fucking depressed. Asking Louis obviously is beyond the options. So that’s how he starts reading, from the very first page, which is freaking weird, but, God knows he needs to read it all.

                        _Dear… dear who? Exactly, that’s quite of a problem we reach here and it’s only the very beginning of it all. So, dear… let’s call you sunshine, okay? It’s kinda weird to call you that since I don’t really know you just yet, but like, you just seem kinda sunny, you know? I mean, I don’t even know how do you look like, so maybe you’re actually anything but sunny, but – I dunno? You kinda sound sunny to me? I mean your voice, yeah? Cause I only heard you so – right, I’m babbling. But this is why I started to write this whole thing, you know? Cause I heard you and you sounded sunny… Lol. This is freaking weird. Good you’re not actually reading it, aha x So yeah, sunshine – “Dear Sunshine”, that will do._

_Dear Sunshine then,_

_Today is the second day of you being in our flat. I wanted to start talking to you right the moment I’ve heard you, because your voice is doing weird things to me, but I kinda thought you’re just passing by, you know? Normally people don’t stay here over two hours or so, we’re living here alone. There used to be parties here, but there wasn’t any in quite a long while now. I don’t think there’s gonna be any anymore. So now I think you might be our new flat mate. I hope I’m not assuming anything, not looking too much into it! It’s just – they think not only I’m sick but also deaf, and I’m not, so this is mostly what I’m doing, killing time, listening to things. So I did hear when they were talking about finally renting the other room. It’s been free since Sophia moved out… It’s not even as if she slept in there much, but. Whatever. I can’t move out of this stupid room, apart from going to Zayn’s but that doesn’t count cause our rooms are connected and like, we practically live together by now. Zayn’s place is just an art gallery, a room to paint maybe. He paints me a lot btw. It’s weird yeah? But I asked him to. He needed something to focus on. Let it be me, I think it’s harmless._

_They keep me here because it’s easier. I hear their voices and they’re sad, yeah? Do you hear it too? Do you hear how tired they seem? Even Zayn.. I know, it’s tough on him, he won’t move out of our place lately too. I love him but I hate when he gets like that, you know? I think you of all people would understand that. You just seem so sunny to me. I hear your voice and it’s cheerful. I can feel how much of a change is that when you’re around. Yesterday you were humming. It’s beautiful btw. Seriously, your voice – God, it is totally doing things to me._

_Dear Sunshine,_

_Zayn’s still sleeping, thank God he has a strong sleep. I had a wet dream and it got all messy. Now I’m cleaned up already, but – shit, just the thought of you, shit. Yeah, I have – I might have been a bit dirty under that shower, but you wouldn’t wanna know, right? It’s all because of this stupid voice of yours! I mean, you were singing at night, playing the guitar and all that and I just – I didn’t want to sleep, I wanted to listen to it all night, but I did in fact fall asleep and my dreams got kinda wild like? Oh. You’re up again, I can hear your humming. It’s so wonderful. Can’t wait to see you. I imagine you have a sunny pretty face and sunny messy hair and strong arms and that hands, palms that would – oh no, not again, I’m not going into the shower again, I’m not, I’M NOT gonna wank again, no. Stop singing. Stop – No, actually don’t, just – just keep going, like - Shit, you’re waking up Zayn, shh.. I mean, I love when you sing on top of your lungs in the shower, but like, I don’t think he’s got a thing for it too, aha! Oh God, he’s just thrown a shoe in the wall, but I see you don’t mind, that’s good. He’ll be grumpy all day if he doesn’t get enough of his beauty sleep but like, I don’t really care. You got me all horny. This is stupid. I don’t even know how do you look like. Ridiculous._

_Dear Sunshine,_

_I’m so tired of just sitting in this room the whole time. I don’t even remember how much time it’s passed since I got locked up in here. And it’s not even like the doors are closed, no. Just the thought of nobody wanting me out keeps me grounded here. They were not comfortable with me around so now I’m not. Do you think they are more comfortable now? Zayn is here with me, but it doesn’t seem quite right. He’s sad. He wants to be with Harry, but he feels guilty each time he leaves me, yeah? Even though I wish nothing more but for him to leave. He can’t know though. He’s the only one I’ve got left. And I love him. Want him around. Just – just don’t want to stop him from living outside of this stupid room. S’enough that I had to stop already._

_I wish they would tell you about me. I know there’s no point, but it’s just kinda sad when I hear you guys talking and nobody ever brings me up. Like I wasn’t living here anymore. Do you know how many flat mates do you have? You haven’t met Zayn too, right? He’s in his room now, but he never leaves anymore. Unless it’s his artsy stuff, then yeah. I hope he’ll get called soon, for that new exhibition he’s preparing to. He should be out then.  It’s not that it’ll change anything but – feels like I can’t breathe with all of his concern anymore? It’s too much. I feel already half dead. Unless I hear your voice, that is. Your voice makes things lively. Kinda. I just can’t express it, but I love your voice. Hope you’ll sing for me today too._

_Dear Sunshine,_

_I wish I was as bubbly as you are. I wish I had the courage and was so brave.. I wish everybody could be laughing like you do. Sometimes I’m wondering what’s so funny about life that makes you laugh so much. But I don’t won’t your laugh to ever stop, so I won’t be questioning it. It sounds like living, just that. And everyone is dead here. I wouldn’t ever admit it if they asked me but that’s true. You make my heart race and then skip beats and it’s just so weird. I wasn’t like that in a long time. You know, normally I have to keep my heartbeat at an even level, cause it’s kinda dangerous if it gets too fast, like. But it’s so hard when your voice is around! Go be cheerful somewhere else! ..actually don’t, please. Just joking, yeah? I’m glad Zayn doesn’t know, cause he’d be sick worried, as always. They know that my heartbeat is pretty important here, cause we were messing around a few times before and like, I just fainted, you know? Imagine, one second I’m laughing and the other I’m already limp on the floor, that must have freaked them out, right? So now they keep it down around, won’t laugh anymore and stuff. It’s bloody depressing. I don’t even care anymore! I used to go for runs a lot, never fainted during one, but after they found out ‘bout my sickness they won’t even let me do this one little thing of mine, it’s pissing me off. And I would, I would just go, but – seeing them like that, having them all tensed up each time I’m passing by… I better just stay in this stupid room._

_Dear Sunshine,_

_Zayn doesn’t know we’ve got a flat mate and it’s so funny! I mean, how could he not realize by know that you’re living here? I think he didn’t hear when the guys were talking about renting that room to someone maybe. He keeps complaining about “this guy that Harry keeps inviting over”, because you’re so loud and cheerful and apparently annoying. Maybe he’s just jealous. I don’t find you annoying at all. I won’t tell him you live here though. But sometimes we do talk about you and I tell him your voice does those things to me. He usually laughs at that. It’s amazing because he hasn’t laughed in so long! I missed this sound so much… you wouldn’t believe it. It doesn’t last too long and it’s more of a light chuckle I guess, not that whole hearted loud laugh I used to get out of him, but it’s still a lot, you know? So I like to tell him that, just to get this in return. I let him think he’s mocking me, when in fact it makes me so happy._

_Dear Sunshine,_

_I hear you talking with Harry about ‘Oscar and the Lady in Pink’ now_. _He’s read this book so many times! He wouldn’t tell me, but I hear him crying a lot, and sometimes he’s mumbling in his sleep. Louis hates this book. Especially when Harry’s crying. He freaked out when he’s heard I’m sick, kind of. He’s coming around a lot though. I’m his biggest mistake, like. He loves Harry. Told me that when he was drunk off his ass once. Like, he’s drunk all the time, yeah, he keeps saying things. But he told me he loves Harry only this one time I guess. And then he keeps ‘loving’ me. It’s so ridiculous. Like, why would he even start things with me loving Harry? Was he stupid? But I – I let him. Sometimes, when it’s really bad. But he hates this book. And he hates thinking of dying. He never lets anyone talk about that. But I think he’ll die the fastest, cause he drinks so much. He’s gonna damage his liver, yeah? I wish I could stop him. Loving Louis is seriously tough. I’m glad I never did, I’d go nuts otherwise. That makes me come out as an asshole, right? I used to date him after all! But – it was all after Sophia, yeah? And I really did think I fancied him at the time.. I mean, I always loved him as a friend, and like, he used to be so loud and funny and all, I wanted it in my life? I wanted to feel alive like that, yeah? It’s  – It’s just – he kinda – he never seemed like he was truly happy with me when it came to that? And I never was truly happy with him. That might be partially cause we were both holding in our secrets. I was scared of him leaving when he gets to know I’m sick, and he was scared of telling me about Harry. God, if I’d known about Harry! And then I finally built the courage to tell him, but he didn’t, didn’t tell me, that is. I thought he left because of the sickness! Thought so. Until that drunk time. He started to drink, he left and here we are. I don’t even blame him anymore. I’m just – I’m upset because of.. stuff. Zayn hates him though, that for sure. They managed to be civil by now, but I’m pretty sure he still does hate him, lots._

_Oh, I hear you talk about me! ..uh, that hurts. Didn’t know you were so concerned with my existence? I wanna see you so bad! Even when you shout you seem… sunny, God. I’m so fucked! Zayn is bursting out the door, I’m so excited! You’re my favorite! Oh God, Zayn is laughing! Like, serious laughing, I’m not gonna stay in here, I’m going out –_

_Dear Sunshine,_

_Niall._

_Niall – it’s a – shit, I’m so thrilled, I can’t sleep, I can’t even properly formulate my thoughts it’s so bad! You’re so beautiful Niall, it’s impossible, you’re, you’re literally a sunshine, so sunny, looking so perfect, oh my God, I’m really fucked. I’m officially twelve again and having a teenage crush of a year. It’s official, you hear me? Expect fan pages, diaries and all that shit. (Is this counting as a diary here? Cause then you already have one, all to yourself, you beautiful sunny ball, you). <3_

_Dear Sunshine,_

_It’s weird to write to you like that now, since I can already talk to you in person, but I guess I’m just – not ready to explain everything to you like that? It’s just – yesterday was the best day of my entire life I guess? It ended quite badly what with Zayn getting pissed and Harry being all worried but it doesn’t change a thing yeah? And to think I thought it was Louis with his drunk ass again when you knocked! He’s coming around like that, you know.. It used to be good to release the tension, what with Zayn sleeping here and never – you know (did I tell you me and Zayn used to..? That’s another story tho, but Zayn was my first, yeah? Like, I mean, he’s me best mate, this one, just – I guess it’s always like that when you’re a teenager and you discover you and your best mate are both not exactly straight?), but I just can’t carry on anymore, yeah? I can’t, it brings me down so much, like, feeling guilty, guilty for his addiction. Anyway. S’not the point, is it, now?_

_I can’t believe you trusted me enough to take me to your family graves and to tell me about your parents’ death and your brother’s suicide not long after… it’s so sad, but it’s also so incredible how you are dealing with this all, how you’ve became such an amazing person because of all of these experiences that have happened to you! And that letter your brother left you… ‘what doesn’t kill you that’s a pity..’ – I guess now, when I know it, it does make sense. You made the best of it though and it’s just so endearing! I’m so proud of you and wanna look up to you so much! You make me brave. You made me wanna live again. Like, I was so scared, you know, they made it feel real bad at times, but looking at you now I wanna enjoy this little life I still have as much as it is only possible! I’m so thrilled with my new hair, the buzz cut, it’s so wonderful, I’ve really thought it through so many times, but I didn’t – I didn’t think I’d do it finally? But now I feel like it’s the beginning of my new life, you know? And, like, I’m also – I hope at some point, one day maybe I could make you happy too, because you deserve the world, God. Oh, and I’m really grateful you saved me from Zayn, kinda? I know he’s just – he’s worried, yeah? He’s always looking after me. But – as much as I wanted to tell him all that, I feel I’d only hurt him in the process for now._

_Dear Sunshine,_

_It’s kinda silly, but I wanna kiss you real badly at moments. Sorry? I hope you won’t find out, but your voice still does things to me, and these few days we spent together are the best days of my life this far and I just never want it to end, and I’m so fucked. I know Louis’ gonna get in his phase soon, it’s about time, but I just hope he’ll stay outta flat, kinda?_

_He didn’t. He’s crying real loud. I can see you shifting in the bed and I think you’re not sleeping, but won’t let me know. It’s weird we still sleep in one bed, but, Zayn’s still kinda mad? I guess so. I actually – I mean, I enjoy being here with you too much to go without you throwing me away, kinda? This is so embarrassing. It’s just – it’s the most alive I have ever felt. I love this feeling. I don’t wanna let it go. Please, don’t make me._

_Dear Sunshine,_

_I came in on you and Harry in bed together and – I don’t know. I kinda, I found out you’re into guys? That’s a good thing. Are you also into Harry? God, I hope you’re not. Was it a one night stand? Shit, my brain is processing too much things at once. Will you forgive me if I…?_

_Dear Sunshine,_

_I told Louis we’re dating and you – why have you confirmed?! I just blurted out with it because I wanted so badly to just – shit, it makes me really selfish. But I already knew you’re into guys and like – you’re probably not into me though. Shit shit shit. And I damaged your thing with Harry? Fuck. Oh, God, and if I make Harry suffer because of me again I won’t ever forgive myself. Did I damage the thing you had with him? Was it a thing? I’m so  sorry. Shit, I would tell you how sorry I am, but I’m so scared of bringing it up just yet and you’re so silent. I hope you won’t be too mad… Or at least not for too long. My heart is at a high speed and my head aches and spins like it usually does when it comes to that, and I’m just praying it won’t get bad. I know I should calm down, but I need to get to you and – shit, I’m so scared there will be need for the transplantation… I’ve already had enough problems with my kidneys when I was younger and now this, it’s just awful and so not fair. It aches at times, my heart, that is, you know? Sometimes really badly. And with the need of the blood transfusion the chances I’d make it alive are even smaller. Not that there is any donor anyway, right?_

When Niall finishes reading the last note, he closes the notebook with a loud thud. He doesn’t know how it happened but somehow during the lecture Liam has managed to make him smile fondly, laugh wholeheartedly, let out gasps of disbelief and cry like a baby. He can’t help thinking the story is unfinished, as it doesn’t contain the very make out session scene that happened just before Liam’s blackout, that he is craving to read too, so he promises himself to come around later, when Liam is already back and healthy, to read the things he’s got to say about that one. But as it is now, when his eyes are red rimmed and his cheeks wet with tears that won’t stop running down his face, he feels the need to make this huge decision of his life right then and there in this very moment: He is officially never ever _ever_ going to let Liam down. Because Liam deserves the world. Deserves to live. And to be cherished and loved. With that he hides the notebook in its place and runs back to the hospital.


	6. Things I plan for you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I put the explanation of Liam's state here, so you'll finally know! Hope you'll enjoy the chapter cause I really enjoyed writing this one x

As he runs to the building he suddenly remembers about the list he’s encouraged Liam to make during that “date” of theirs and now, as he thinks of the state Liam is in, it feels more important than it has ever done before. He goes back to the memory and almost lets himself smile at the pictures of Liam in his curly hair popping up in his head.

_“Liam, you gotta make a list.” He said that day._

_“A list?” Liam asked with his brows shooting up in surprise._

_“Yeah. A list. A list_ to do _.  A list of – let’s say fifty - things you wanna do during your life. Nobody knows when their time will come so, better have such a list and do all of the important stuff before it’s too late, right? It can be anything. Anything that crosses your mind. Don’t let yourself stop at things you consider possible, no. Make a list of the largest fucking dreams you could possibly come up with, the craziest stuff you’ve ever thought of, or of the smallest, stupidest tiny things that seem not even worthy of mentioning, that too. It can be something huge like becoming a president of United States or ridiculous like walking into university in your pajamas. Something tiny like having a strawberry flavored cotton candy or massive like going to Australia. Whatever you can think of. Fifty things you wanna do.”_

_“Do you have such a list?”_

_“Yeah, I do.” Niall let out with a proud smile and Liam smiled at him in awe too._

_“Could I maybe see it some time?” he asked._

_“Let’s make a deal.” Niall proposed. “You’ll do the list. You can start it even now, and the things will come to your mind later on, that’s actually how I’ve done it so far. And when you finish writing all fifty of them down, we will share with each other the things that by the time will be already marked off, okay? Then, we can work on marking off the rest of our lists, yeah?”_

_“Okay.” Liam said with a shrug. “I think I already have some things I would like to put on that_ to do _list, as you called it. We could start with having my hair cut and then I would like to try that bubble gum flavored ice cream, cause I’ve never eaten it before and like, I think it tastes awful? Yeah, I’m pretty sure it must taste disgusting, but I can’t help wondering if it really does each time I actually see it, so let’s give it a try, it might be a ‘once in a lifetime’ kinda experience, right? Mostly because I’m sure it’s awful, but still.” He said grinning dumbly and that was it, exactly what Niall has hoped for._

When he reaches the hospital it’s already getting dark outside. He runs the stairs (63, not that he counts them (he does)) and bursts through the door leading to the third floor’s hall. He’s let in to the actual chamber this time (mostly because he almost jumps on the department head and when they tell him he can’t seriously expect them to let him in, he screams to them a “Yes I fucking do expect you to, for fuck’s sake! Be human for once!” or something along these lines, and surprisingly it works). He gets into the room of Liam’s stay then by practically ripping the door open and rushes to the bed as if his life depended on it. There are machines blipping steadily all over the place and Zayn curled up at the foot of Liam’s bed, but most of all there is a pale figure of Liam’s body that looks anything but lively, and that kind of breaks Niall’s heart.

“Liam.” He says brokenly and then sits at the side of the bed and takes the other lad’s hand in his own. He complains absentmindedly about ‘those rude doctors’ that wouldn’t let him in before for a while and then expresses his conviction that Liam will wake up fast because they have lots to discuss and then lots of stuff to do and he’s sure he wouldn’t like to miss it.

He shakes Zayn awake then (it’s a particularly hard task and anyone who’s ever tried to achieve that would certainly admit so) and looks at him with desperation written all over his face.

“What’s the name of the sickness?” he presses for probably tenth time this day. “You _have to_ tell me, Zayn, _please_.”

“Niall, you _know_ that I –“

“No, fuck you, no, cut this bullshit, _you_ know I need to –“

“Hypertrophic Cardiomyopathy” they both hear croaked quietly out of a sudden and snap their heads immediately in the voice’s direction. It’s Liam, finally awaken from the coma, looking at them from under his half closed eyelids. Niall doesn’t recognize the name of said illness, but he notes to himself immediately to check it out later on, cause he obviously won’t admit as much out loud and ask.

“Liam” Zayn lets out in surprise, his voice hoarse. “You’re awake.”

“Was trying to come back and open my eyes for a while now.” Liam admits then. “Heard Niall’s voice.” He adds as an explanation sheepishly, as if that answered anything at all. Niall smiles at that softly though, because however puzzled Zayn might look, fuck if it doesn’t.

Liam falls back asleep sooner that both of them would hope for, but that gives the blonde guy his time to google the sickness before he actually forgets the name of it. There is loads of information and he has to skip the boring parts to actually get something out of that, but unfortunately the results are worse than he’d expect.

 _Hypertrophic cardiomyopathy means “overgrowth of the heart muscle.” In most cases, the thickening of the heart muscle is limited to one part of the heart (the left ventricle). –_ he reads – _While big muscles are typically associated with strength, the bigger HCM heart is weaker, not stronger, than a normal heart and often cannot pump blood effectively. In addition, the thickening of the heart muscle may lead to disturbances in the heart’s rhythm.  In about 10% of patients, HCM can lead to premature death from severe complications such as heart failure, stroke, or cardiac arrest. **HCM is the most common heart-related cause of sudden death in young adults** and responsible for at_ _least one third of the sudden death cases seen among competitive athletes. (…)HCM symptoms most commonly first occur in adolescence, but can appear at any age. The first signs of HCM often include fainting, exercise intolerance, or fatigue. Young athletes with HCM most often complain of chest pain and shortness of breath during exercise.(…) Only about 10 to 20% of patients with HCM are at a high risk for sudden death.  **High-risk patients can typically be identified by the presence of certain risk factors, such as an abnormally fast resting heart rate (called ventricular tachycardia), severe thickening of the heart, abnormal blood pressure response during exercise, or a history of fainting. **_– he finishes at that, as he can’t take anymore. He lets out a loud sigh and pressures himself further into Liam’s limp body on the bed. Liam _is_ in the high risk, is the thing.

“You get it now?” Zayn asks quietly after a long moment of silence. Niall’s already forgotten about his presence there, so he almost jumps in surprise at the voice, but manages to not fall over from the place he’s sat at. “How can we not worry having him like this?” he hears Zayn pushing and there’s the edge to his voice as if he was about to burst into tears not for the first time since he came there.

“I won’t let y’all shut him down again, like you did before. I don’t care.” Niall responds forcefully though, having already made up his mind. “He’s gonna _live_ for however long it lasts, but I just can’t have anybody killing him before his actual time comes.” He explains with a shrug. It’s not really that he doesn’t care, because he cares. Just not about their opinions.

“Yeah, I figured.” Zayn lets out much to Niall’s disclosure. “I guess maybe in fact you are what he needs these days.”

It takes another few hours before Liam wakes up again, and much to everyone’s surprise (there are all three of them in the room this time) his first words after he opens his eyes are precisely a quiet, barely squeezed out: “I’ve got it finished, Ni.”

“Finished what?” Harry asks inquisitive almost running to the bed when he hears his voice.

“The _list_.” Liam manages, sighing contently. “Already three out of fifty done, s’not much though.” He adds with a frown.

“When did you – ?” Niall starts at the same time when Harry and Zayn both ask “What list?” with their brows furrowed.

“During that – um – silent time back home?” he responds awkwardly and shrugs a little bit. “Had it almost finished there but a few things came to me just, like, now – I mean, when I was – um, kind of, _dreaming_ , or summat.” He explains. “S’why I just, like, said it straight away.”

“But what list?” Harry asks again, feeling left out and pouting at them impatiently.

“S’nothing.” Niall says at that finally. “Just a bunch of stuff we want to do.”

“A bunch of stuff… like what?” the curly boy presses curiously and Niall decides to settle for the things he’s done or planned to do, cause he doesn’t know how comfortable Liam would feel with saying any of his plans in front of the other guys.

“Like going to Mexico, which I already did, or doing body shots off of someone hot, which I’m yet to do.” He says.

“Or like trying a bubble gum flavored ice cream, which I already did (and it _was_ disgusting, just like I’d thought) or piercing my left nipple, which I’m yet to do.” Liam puts in and that has everyone looking at him bewildered.

“You _what?!_ ” Harry and Zayn yell at once, while Niall laughs amusedly, imagining the cute little thing he’d probably try to suck at which he would have lots of  fun doing, before he remembers they’re not on it just yet, and – again – maybe that might be dangerous to do, since Liam reacts to him _that_ way?

“I have some more interesting things on the list, but now I highly doubt you want to hear ‘bout them..” Liam says matter of factly, a light shade of pink colouring his cheeks.

“I, on the other hand, am very much interested.” Niall responds to that with a grin spread wide on his face.

“Niall.” Harry looks at him warningly, as if he really thought this is a bad idea.

“No, like, seriously, as I was saying before – that’s probably a good thing, Harry. You guys go ahead, I think it’s actually – maybe you do need it, Li, yeah?” Zayn says in Niall’s defence, probably referring to their previous conversation and Niall is rather pleased. “In fact, maybe we should just leave you two to have some time alone, right?” he then adds, and gets up from the bed. “Yeah, come on Harry, let’s go.” And then they are out.

“So what were you saying about that more interesting plans of yours?” Niall goes back to the topic after a moment of silence. “You don’t have to say them all, yeah? If you don’t wanna, I mean –“

“No, it’s fine.” Liam croaks, seemingly tired and probably about to fall asleep again, but not ready for that just yet. “Almost all of them are civil enough to say I guess?” he says, but his face reddening just a second later, as he seems to remember something suddenly, tells Niall otherwise. “If you bring my trousers from the chair over there, I think I should have the paper in the pocket.”

It is there and Niall hands it to him with a pen, so he can put the things he’s okay with sharing in the right order and then hand it over for Niall to read.

“It’s like, I put that more ordinary stuff first I think, or more like, the things that are less crazy and more – more alike to happen, yeah? And then there is that.. crazy stuff, like, those _wild_ things like. Some of them are real easy to do but I just consider them crazier and just _more important_ so that’d be it for why they’re at the end of the list. And I only banned one thing for you, so I put it as the 50th one, even though the order is not exactly that way, but. Can’t tell you that one, cause that’d just spoil the fun.” Liam says before Niall starts the reading. It goes like that:

  1. Shave my head √
  2. Try the bubble gum flavoured ice cream √
  3. Kiss Niall √ ( _Really? Well, could’ve guess probably)_
  4. Get a tattoo ( _Ya, he did mention that)_
  5. Pierce my left nipple ( _that’s just plain hot)_
  6. Grow facial hair ( _that’ll be hot too, Leeyum..)_
  7. Learn to cook something real hard and crazy ( _yeah, and then lemme eat it all, wicked!)_
  8. Go on karaoke with friends and sing (“Liam, you’ve seriously never - ?” – “Seriously, nope.”)
  9. Go camping somewhere random
  10. Get in a train without knowing the direction
  11. Spend a night under the bare sky
  12. Stay the night in a 5 stars hotel
  13. Ride a motorbike
  14. Eat sushi
  15. Go to 5SOS concert
  16. Go somewhere with loads of snow
  17. Learn to ski
  18. Jump with a parachute
  19. See the coral reef
  20. See every country in Europe
  21. Visit South America
  22. Ride a camel
  23. Get independent financially from my family
  24. Visit United States
  25. Get a flat in LA
  26. Have a room with a picture window
  27. Get a dog
  28. Have a turtle (or two)
  29. Get a professional batman costume ( _You nerdy shit, maybe I’ll actually get you one for birthday)_
  30. Hit on a hot barista with something real cheesy (“So it’s not like, a specific one? Just a barista?” – “Well, a hot one, not just whoever. Always wanted to do that” _what a dork_ )
  31. Have somebody making me breakfast in bed ( _Could do that one actually..)_
  32. Go to a party wearing something ridiculously out of place (“Hahaha, Leeyum, the heck!” – “What. It’d be fun and like, I’d be the last one to care, yeah? Would like to startle people a bit, they think too much, care too much, while it’s all bollocks”)
  33. Reject someone really posh (“Whoa, have a complex, don’t ya! Wanna see that, might be fun to watch actually!)
  34. Prank tell somebody I’d like to have a threesome with them (“Hahaha, I love it, that’d be fun!”)
  35. Make a party for over 100 people
  36. Have a Vlog
  37. Perform my own song
  38. Have over 1000 retweets
  39. Have sex in a public place (“What?! Leeyum, you dirty little pervert, wouldn’t have guessed you’ve got it in ya!” – “What, you up for it?” _oh fuck, I’d like that, yes_ “What, haha, might be, get out of here and we be right on it” _that’s not a joke, don’t think it’s a joke...)_
  40. Get caught during oral sex with my boyfriend ( _what boyfriend_ “Boyfriend?” – “Well, when I have one, obviously. Just meant – not with someone random, yeah? But like, yeah, a boyfriend” – “Still, pervert” _s’hot though)_
  41. Hear a compliment from someone famous
  42. Spill my wine on an important person’s jacket (“You’re ridiculous!” – “What, that’s a right dream of mine!” – “Well, can imagine why!” – “Idiot” – “Why, I said I approve, it’d be hilarious!”)
  43. Make my ex jealous (“Your ex as if Louis?” – “What? How’d you-? Nah, more Sophia, yeah?” – “Can’t blame you. A crazy bitch she must have been for leaving someone like you.”)
  44. Get a job
  45. Quit the job with a ridiculous excuse (“Haha, you serious?” a nod “crazy, you little shit, but I totally approve!”)
  46. Have people quoting my words (“You snob!”)
  47. Have my 25th birthday party on Tenerife (“Why 25th? You’re hardly 21!” – “That’d mean I’d live up to then, yeah? Something worth celebrating I guess..” – “Leeyum..” _God, I’m so daft, should’ve kept my mouth shut_ )
  48. Propose in a certain way (“Certain way as if..?” – “Not telling ya obviously! I’d have written it if I wanted you to know!”)
  49. Get married ( _Yeah, I can imagine..)_
  50.  :D (“You suck.” – “Yeah, a massive dick, and what” – “Liam!!!” – “What, would like that, wouldn’t you” – “What in hell happened to that shy innocent Leeyum, did you eat him?!”)



“What about your list?” Liam asks when they finally finish going through his fifty things to do. “I believe I was promised to hear about those things you’ve got already marked off, right?”

“Yeah, s’not much, but. If ya want, can tell you. Though later, okay? You seem right knackered and I don’t wanna keep you awake any more, yeah? I’ll be right here when you wake up again.” Niall says and as if on cue he sees Liam’s eyelids drop and the boy drifts off to his precious sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you think? I'd love to read your comments! :D  
> Thank you for reading and sticking around so far! x


	7. Things I do for you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I guess this is not much after the huge break I've taken, but I hope whoever reads it will forgive me. I came back from Africa lately, just so you know what I was busy with. And please, go easy on me, because getting back to the story after such a long time is really really hard. But I hope it's not complete shit, yeah?

They get to Niall’s bucket list next week, when Liam is already back home. He’s not exactly good, but without a heart transplantation they can’t really do anything more for him aside from giving him a prescription for more medicines. For now as it is, he can at least enjoy Niall talking about the bunch of stuff he’s already done.

  1. Visit Mexico
  2. Get two jobs at once (“What for?” – “Dunno. To pretend I need’em maybe?”)
  3. Work as a bartender
  4. Sleep on a railway station (“Haha, the heck? Why?” – “You finally get your head out of your arse when you get to it I guess.. See it more for the way life is, and not for what you think you achieved”).
  5. Rent a room in a lads’ flat
  6. Have an AM kinda “deep conversation” (“Like what?” – “Like getting Harry drunk and prying things out of him, because drunk Harry has a lot of deep shit to talk about”)
  7. Make things awkward and tell somebody this is exactly what they think it is (“What? Why?” – “S’just people _always_ say shit like ‘this is not what you think, it’s really not –‘ for fuck’s sake, it is! So I just – dunno, always wanted to tell somebody _it is_ , see how awkward it can get” – “Like the time I walked in on you and Harry?” – “Exactly!”)
  8. Make at least three friends suitable for real weird nicknames (“Is that why you try to befriend us?” – “I already did befriend you, Leeyum! But look, those nicknames suit you _so well_!” – “Can’t really say no to that..”)
  9. Prompt somebody to change their life (“Is that about me?” – “Have you changed your life yet?” – “Um, yeah, I think so. I mean, it’s very different now as it seems..” – “Then, here ya go”)
  10. Learn to play piano (“You do?!” – ... – “You gotta play for me soon”)
  11. Have at least one healthy habit (“Like –“ – “Like running. God, such a pointless fucking shit. But”)
  12. Perform on a street to get some money (“Oh God, Niall, reading all that I almost forget each time you’re actually _loaded_.” – “See, and I’m almost regretting telling you that, dick.” – “Ouch, you hurt my feelings!” – “I don’t care, just see if I tell you anything more!” – “Niall? Shit, I’m sorry, I -“ – “Shut up, I’m just joking!”)
  13. Perform a pole dance (“What the fuck?! Why would you do such a thing?!” – “For money obviously” – “Niall!” – “Okay, okay, chill mate, I did it only because it seemed like hella lot of stress and it’s fucking _good_ to feel it sometimes.” – “Did you do well?” – “Fucking hell, I was brilliant out there!”)
  14. Overcome my eating disorder (“What – are you serious? No, you aren’t, are you? Oh my God, Niall, I’m so so – “ – “Do you ever shut up, or should I make you? Liam, you’re seriously unbelievable, it’s on my marked off list, isn’t it? So it’s already over, stop pitying me!” – “But how – what – why did you – “ –“You’re making it sound like such a big deal, stop it. So what, I did have a problem with eating  and I did loose 15kg in a month and maybe it used to be hard to force myself to eat but it’s long gone. You do realize how much I eat every day, don’t you?” – “Haha, well, yes I do, just don’t get to the opposite point” – “Not gonna! There’s no way I’m gonna let all that practise go to waste, look at those muscles of mine!”)
  15. Learn a secret that was not supposed to reach my ears and make it fairly obvious I’ve just gotten to know that (“This is ridiculous, why would you want that? And can I know what was the secret about?” – “Well, I seem to like to make things awkward and people’s life miserable, don’t I? And then again, what’s the point of discovering a secret if you have to keep it a secret, yeah? It doesn’t matter what it was about, it was stupid anyway” – “Oh. Okay.”)
  16. Use the warranty for once and get it repaid in full. (“Oh?” – “Yeah, people always buy shit and when it’s damaged they hesitate to return it for so long the warranty’s already expired before they do it. That’s stupid, if I paid for something I want it to work and if it doesn’t, where’s my money!?” – “Oh my God, Niall, it’s so funny that of all people who could be angry about that it’s you, you, who could afford to buy the whole London, not only a new pair of whatever shit got broken!” – “Well, can’t blame a man for wanting a good quality stuff, now, can you?”)



Niall doesn’t tell Liam more about things he’s only just planning to do in the future, because there’s a fair amount of things he wants to do _with_ him or _for_ him, and that’d just spoil the whole fun in that. He leaves him for a day in their flat though and goes to the bank to withdraw a huge amount of money that’s been frozen on his account for long enough to feel deserted. It’s not even a half of what he has but it’s probably enough to buy a whole city, well. Then he calls a person who he hasn’t spoken to since a while. It’s good sometimes to refresh some old friendships.

* * *

Under today’s date Niall’s notebook says:

_There’s one more thing that’s just about to be done and marked off from my bucket list, but Lima bean doesn’t have to know. Lima bean? Huh. I think I’ll keep this one since I can’t really call him his previous nickname anymore, obviously. Anyway! We’re gonna have so much fun!_

* * *

There’s a knock on the door loud enough to wake everyone up in case they were still sleeping. Niall is already after his morning run, so it’s not an early morning anymore, but for some people there need to pass yet another two or three hours to be able to roll out of bed.

Harry, who’s sitting in the kitchen with his herbal stuff in a mug raises his eyebrows in surprise, but doesn’t move from the table. Neither does Niall, who only shrugs his shoulders and keeps dancing around the kitchen to the sound of his own humming. The knock repeats itself even louder and that finally has angry Zayn storming out of the haunted area (Niall can’t stop himself from still calling it that, because – to be fair – the _black guardian_ really does seem to live a ghost’s life, or maybe be a fallen angel or summat with that ridiculous good looks).

“Why can’t anybody open that fucking door for fuck’s sake!” He yells throwing his hands in the air and glaring at the _frog prince_  for his betrayal. He doesn’t spare a glance for Niall himself, because  apparently even he got to realize that there’s not much that can impress the blonde guy.

The doors hardly stay in their place after how much force Zayn’s put into opening them and if there was anyone with any friendly intentions standing there, they’d be gone in a matter of seconds. Unfortunately for the pissed off guy there’s only an old man with a face made in stone and a black case.

“I was informed I could find Mr. Liam Payne in this apartment, isn’t it, sir?” the man says and that has Zayn cooling down in a blink of an eye.

“Liam? Why do you need Liam? Who are you?” he asks worried.

“I’m a lawyer, sir, but I’m afraid all the other information are strictly for Mr. Liam Payne’s ears only.” The old man answers in a serious voice. _Black guardian_  doesn’t look all that certain for once in his life and Niall almost enjoys the view of him stepping from one foot to another, but – he reminds himself – he should be merciful at least from time to time and that’s why he pats Zayn on the shoulder telling him he’ll get Liam while the man should enter and make himself comfortable.

They wait almost 40 minutes before _Lima bean_ is finished with the lawyer and another 10 till the man finally removes himself from their flat and they can finally pry things out of poor boy standing there with wide eyes and a generally confused expression.

“What is it, Liam, do they want you to come back? Please say you’re not going anywhere -” Zayn starts immediately, but Liam just waves him off and stands there quiet for another few minutes.

“I didn’t even know I had an uncle in California.” He says with a frown of utter disbelieving.

“And? What with him, Liam?” Harry asks worriedly.

“He’s dead, well.” Liam says impatiently, waving his hands in some kind of a meaningless gesture. “You know, I’ve just received like 5 billion pounds okay? 5 billion, yeah? Just let me have that fucking moment to proceed, a’right!?”

“YOU WHAT” Harry and Zayn yell at once while Niall throws his fist in the air yelling “We’re going on a fucking holiday of your life Lima!”, but Liam storms out of the room immediately and closes the door behind himself. End of the conversation then.

Later on in Niall’s notebook it says:

_It didn’t go bad I s’pose. You know Lima bean, he would NEVER EVER in a million years accept a gift like that. Not unless there’s no way to return it. So I guess that was the only option. And that way he won’t feel dependant or guilty. Great. Now though there’s so many things possible right now! We’ll save some money for Liam’s new heart obviously, black coffee’s right. If there was a heart for him though..._


	8. Things I wanna share

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now, this is soon, but first - the semester starts tomorrow and soon I'll probably get lost in that 'mature academic stuff' and second -i ended up in the hospital myself today morning and after 16hours of medicals and sleeping I'm really bored and lonely. And then again maybe it's just a bonus for you because you waited so long for the previous update. x

It takes Liam three days to adjust to the whole new situation he found himself in and another four to process that not only has he got a fucking fortune worth of money, but also he can use it in whatever way he pleases. So he gets his nipple pierced on Monday. (It _does_ look damn hot, according to Niall, but no one has to know). He gets a tattoo of four arrows on his forearm next, claiming it is just a tattoo, but, _obviously_ , it is not. On Wednesday he comes to Niall with tears filling his eyes.

“The heck, Liam, are you crying?” Niall rises his eyebrows pulling him further into the room.

“I – I might?” Liam squeaks weakly and when he sees the other guy nodding with encouragement he continuous. “Look, I – I’ve became a billionaire in a matter of a day and –“

“And what.” Niall deadpans.

“Okay, well, look, I know to you it might be not that big of a deal, because this is what you’ve already been through but – it’s – it’s _so_ overwhelming to me! Like, Niall, I’ve got so much money now, what do I even do with that, like, how am I supposed to – what can I do with such a shitload of money – I don’t even –“ he waves his hands helplessly in some indeterminate gesture.

“Okay, okay, calm down.” Niall says putting his hands on the boy’s shoulders. “Listen carefully.” He commands and starts speaking loud and very slowly “Liam James Payne, you can do with that money _Whatever. You. Fucking. Please._ You hear me? _Whatever. You. Fucking. Please._ Remember! You have the bucket list you made the other day?”

“Y-yes, I do.” Liam stutters.

“Then fucking do what’s on there! You had wishes you couldn’t afford with no money, and now you have the money and you _don’t know_ what to do!? I gave you over a week to process this damn change in your life, but nooow –“ he drags on “ _now_ we’re going to have some ridiculous amount of fun, because you won’t whine anymore about me spending my money on you since we are both similarly loaded.”

“Well, technically you are still at least four times as rich as me, but –“

“No, I’m not, why would you say that?” Niall asks cautiously. “I’ve never actually told you how much –“

“Oh come on, Niall, you don’t expect me to be that stupid, do you?” Liam cuts in waving his hands dismissingly. “You did tell me your parents were on the list of thirty richest people in the whole world, okay? _And_ that according to your brother’s will you inherited exactly _everything_ of that wealth. _And_ that after his death you sold literally everything that was left after the three of them. _Even_ if they were the last ones on that stupid list, their fortune would equate _at least_ 22 billion dollars and I really doubt they were lasts. They might have even been in the first ten and had over 40, 50 or 60 billion, who knows.” Liam says incredulously.

“I might have spent all of it already, you never know!” Niall exclaims throwing his hands in the air.

“Spent around 30 billion dollars worth of fortune?!” Liam yells in response. “Unless you donated all of that to a charity foundation I will not believe you managed to spent something like that!”

“You never know, maybe I gave my money to somebody who needed it more than me.” Niall shrugs nonchalantly.

“Not that much.” Liam shakes his head disbelievingly. “The only thing that keeps me wondering is why you are _not_ on the list of those richest people in the world. You surely did not spend enough to disappear from there just yet..”

“When you become rich, you learn one thing.” Niall says coolly. “Unless you wanna live for publicity only for the rest of your life, your privacy fucking matters. And lemme tell you, I am fucking rich enough to make myself disappear. Maybe I have multiple identities and you can’t be sure if my name is even Niall, who knows.” He shrugs again. Liam gives him a weird look for that, but doesn’t say a thing.

“Okay, back to the bucket list!” Niall exclaims after a few second pass. “There are some things you might wanna do first, so if that’s the case, then go ahead, but if not, I think we should move out and finally get going on the holidays of your life!” He says cheerfully.

“Move out? Aren’t we gonna come back? Where will we – ?” Liam starts but Niall cuts in immediately.

“Lima!”

“That’s not my –“

“Lima bean, yes it is, but back to the topic – you’re freaking _loaded_ , are you seriously afraid of moving out? We could surely afford to buy ourselves that five starts’ hotel you wanted to spend a night in and sleep there for the rest of our lives, you idiot.”

“Oh. Okay.”

* * *

 

That day Liam buys the whole equipment necessary to become a professional vloger, a new and very expensive laptop, microphones, head speakers, best available camera video and a regular camera for photos, and all the other needed stuff like that. He also buys programmes for making videos because the licences seem cheap enough now and then he decides he’s gonna make one more wish come true by setting up his own Vlog. He already has a twitter account with around two hundred followers so he tweets something out there and starts to work on the first video.

**@liam_payne** its time to finally live my life #BucketList

**@liam_payne** videos coming soon x #BucketList

He talks a bit about how he used to live a life of a dead and how his life has changed in a matter of a few months that passed since “a random guy” moved into his flat and decided to turn it upside down and then he explains how he accepted this idea, or even _a challenge_ in some way, to do a bucket list and make his dreams come true before he actually dies. And then there follows:

_“Okay guys, so now that you get the basic idea I want you to keep track of 50 videos on which I will show you – wait! Some of the videos might not be appropriate for the underage publicity... Well, okay, let’s say I’ll make it 40 then, okay? Or actually you'll surely see how many, let's not make any promises, alright? But yeah, 40-50 or whatever it'll be, I'm gonna show you how I make the best of life with that ridiculous fellow I call my flatmate. So this is the first one, because one of the very things I wanted to do was creating a Vlog, and – here it is! Now, this is not something I planned, but apparently my wonderful flatmate –“_

“And a very loving boyfriend” adds Niall walking into the camera spot and kissing Liam on the cheek with a wink.

“What the fuck, Niall, you can’t just tell everyone out there –“

“So isn’t Zayn and Harry gonna watch it?“ Niall whispers raising his eyebrows.

“Okay.” Liam sighs and starts to continue.

_"- yes, so apparently my **wonderful flatmate**_ ” he says with an emphasis shooting Niall a dirty look _“decided that we’re also moving out, because we have loads of things on out bucket lists to achieve yet and staying in this place won’t help us getting any further with it. So – see you guys soon in another video – maybe I’ll already be somewhere more exciting than this pitiful flat. Wish me luck!”_

**@liam_payne** Wanna follow my wonderful #BucketList? the video's already out!! https://youtu.be/_ly4gCvb9RM

He tweets some more when people get interested in his idea, appreciating it when he also gains some more followers, but finally he leaves it for the day and goes to sleep.

* * *

 

Soon enough Liam finds out there were, _obviously_ , things Niall hasn’t told him before, when his twitter explodes with notifications after a certain tweets and retweets have been made.

 

So as it turns out Niall has a twitter account. Okay. A twitter account with around 500k followers... Well, okay. A twitter account linked to a youtube channel where he is a vloger, a pretty successful one to say the least, doing his own videos from his own bucket list things.

Definitely _not_ okay.

“NIALL! What the fuck?!” Liam yells from where his laying on the bed with his phone in one hand and a pillow ready to be thrown at whoever (hopefully Niall) walks in the room in the other.

“It’s bloody _night_ Leeyum, shut the fuck up” he hears from Zayn’s room, but seriously, it’s not night anymore if Niall is already up, because he doesn’t get up before 9AM, unless it’s an emergency. Even on a work day he starts at 10. Unless he's already quit, which he probably did, because they are moving out, right.

“Niall, you better fucking hurry up with an explanation, unless you want to end up dead in a river soon enough!!” Liam yells again and that has a shoe being thrown at the wall in Zayn’s room and a cheerful Niall appearing in the entrance.

“You’re a bloody drama queen, Leeyum.” Niall says exhaustedly and adds “so what, I might have done some promo for you, what's the big deal again?”

“Maybe that you forgot to mention your world famous Vlog altogether? And seriously? _Watch my babe?”_

“Why are you angry, Liam? You’re doing a big step and I’m proud of you and want to support you, where do you see a problem here? Is it not okay that I wanna share what I’m really excited about? You’re my Lima bean after all.” Niall says with a wink at last and Liam sighs helplessly.

“Shut up” he mutters. “You do realize we are not actually together and you only do this because of my previous dumbness?“

“Well, sometimes I forget.” Niall shrugs as if it was no big deal at all.

"Yeah, okay, at least I can surely mark that _have a thousand followers_ wish off of my list.” Liam surrenders with a soft smile and then throws a pillow at the blonde guy anyway.

* * *

“So – have you told the guys we’re moving out just yet?” Niall asks after an hour of pillow war on the bed when they’re just chilling around.

"Zayn will not take it easy, I don’t know how to do that.” Liam mumbles into a pillow that covers his face.

“Do they like this flat?” Niall asks randomly.

“Yes, why?”

"I’ll buy it for them.” He says offhandedly.

“What?!”

“Yeah. I’ll buy them this flat. Think they’ll finally sort themselves out when we’re outta here.” He explains. “But you - You can leave them letters if you don’t know how to say whatever it is you wanna say.” He adds.

“Okay.”

“Okay.”


	9. Things I should be getting used to

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys!  
> Here goes a pretty short chapter, but I really hope you like it! x

            At the end of the week the flat has only two residents left. There’s one empty room now and four other rooms seemingly lived-in, which might be the result of _the haunted area_ needing a _guardian_  and becoming Zayn’s space altogether and Louis’ room still waiting for his coming back. There’s only one thing left as a reminder of anyone else ever living there, that being two letters folded together on the kitchen table.

            First saying:

            _Harry,_

_One  thing I need to say first is that I am truly sorry. I’d never known. Had I known I would have never kissed Louis in the first place. But what you also need to know is that he did love you. I think he still does. He told me once being drunk. He never left because of the sickness. It was always because of you. Because he loved you but he had let himself have that one stupid kiss which turned out to be one too many and you didn’t let him explain and I thought I needed him while we were both keeping secrets and none of us was happy. He left me but used to still come for the physical comfort and I suppose you thought it’s because of his feelings towards me, but you couldn’t be more wrong. I am sorry I ever accepted it and let it happen. I only got to know about your previous relationship when it was already way too late. Please consider forgiving both of us._

_Also, you know how Zayn is and how he took it upon himself to make my life a tad bit less miserable... I am sorry for keeping him from you lot. Hopefully now you’ll get the chance to make up for all that lost time. Please, be happy because I am pretty happy right now if I can say so and I do hope I haven’t damaged everything for you just yet._

_PS: I am going on a journey of my life and it’s gonna be crazy and wild because this is what Niall does to me and if you ever want to catch up and follow whatever stupid stuff we are up to you can do that on my yt channel and twitter. Take care!_

_‘How are you feeling’ mystery,_  
Lima bean  
(sorry, I totally had to, Niall’s influence’s getting to me)

            And the second saying:

_Hey Zaynie,_

_You remember that time I first went out with Niall and you kind of went crazy because you hadn’t known we had plans and you were sick worried and stuff? You asked me back then where did we go and I have never actually responded to that... Well, let me tell you now, okay?_

_In fact we mostly just went to Niall’s family graves. Not a romantic place at all, but the story behind that was kind of worth it I guess. You see, Niall’s parents were extremely rich. In the first thirty richest people in the world (don’t check for that, he’s got enough money for having made sure no one ever associates him with any of the names on that list. And – in case you were wondering – even the names on the graves are not their real names apparently – which, I still have no idea why. It kind of screams suspicious and crazy, well). Anyway, they lived a busy life and then they just died in an accident, as usual, rushing somewhere. They left all of their money and properties to their two sons, being Niall and his older brother Greg (are those even their real names?). Greg was older, so he took care of Niall till he finished 18, so he wouldn’t have to go to the foster care and then he committed suicide leaving Niall with a letter. It turned out he also left him all the rest of the money and the only message Niall received from him was “if you’re gonna waste your life, better die.” Or this is the way he interpreted it, because apparently Greg also explained him how he hadn’t known what to do with the money and how he had felt miserable and some shit like that and encouraged him to sell everything and to_ **make a difference** _that he himself was incapable of making. So that’s how Niall has came to the very conclusion that the life of rich people was simply wasteful and so he really did sell everything that had belonged to his family, grabbed all the money, changed his identity (as I learned later on) and made a bucket list  that mostly consists of things that actually make a difference. This is how he ended up in this flat in the first place. This is why he took me out. This is why he worked two jobs at once even though he’s fucking loaded – to experience real life, feel he lives, and leave something after himself when he goes. I got to know that all in a process, but it really did affect me. It made me think about my own life in a complete different way. Here’s a guy who lost pretty much everything that mattered to him and he carries on, while I actually haven’t lost anything just yet and I’m already dead half of my life! So that’s why I decided on that bucket list of my own. I know maybe in fact I might be dying and a heart transplantation is freaking dangerous and maybe I won’t live up to all those things I planned to do before I actually die, but I wanna feel I’m living. And I’m gonna do that with Niall because he’s a sunshine and I need some light to lighten my way._

_Don’t worry, we’ll have a lot of fun, and if you can’t sleep at night you can always stalk me on yt and twitter the way I think you’ll do. I’ll be updating it for everyone’s sake and because it’s also one of my dreams I am definitely going to fulfil. The other dream I have is for you to be happy (finally) and I know you are saying “bullshit” under your breath right now, but it’s true – please, be happy and do enjoy the flat we’re leaving you, Harry’s just next door and I promise you he has the hots for you!_

_Also, please don’t hate Louis. I know you hate him because of Harry, even if maybe one would think it’s because of me, but please don’t, whatever’s the reason. He didn’t actually hurt him on purpose. And he didn’t hurt me on purpose. I had never been in love with him to begin with so he couldn’t have really broken my heart, now, could’ve he? I hope with the rehab he’s going to get better and you’re gonna solve this somehow._

_PS: I’m sorry for having left you behind in a way. I haven’t intended for us to grow apart but somewhere during that process I realized we need those spaces in order to live our separate lives, because we are not bound for life as a couple and at some point it would damage whatever relationships we’d want to have with others. I think you do realize what I am implying here, and once again – use your freedom AND protection, lol._

_‘How are you feeling’ mystery,_  
Leeyum  
(sorry sorry, didn’t mean to pick on the way u pronounce it..  
or maybe I actually did, haha)

* * *

            “Why haven’t we actually packed anything apart from the digital stuff, but threw everything away?” Liam asks as they enter a train station.

            “And why would we bother with carrying everything around if we don’t even know where’re we heading to? I mean, haven’t you got enough money to buy whatever you need when you need it?” Niall responds with a roll of his eyes. The camera’s on.

            “Okay guys, I guess Niall as always knows better, or so must he think. Don’t blame me if we end up in a damn shithole forgotten by the whole world and God himself, where you can’t buy a stupid raincoat, during the storm! Yes, because I am a pessimist like that, sorry, haha.”  Liam concludes pulling out his sunglasses and then adds “Okay, so now I’m gonna pretend a blind man, because I can’t actually see the direction we’re picking. And just so you know, these are not real sunglasses, because you can’t really see anything through them, haha. These are blinding glasses. No light can get through! So now Niall’s gonna take me somewhere, right, bae?”

            “Right, right, put’em on.” Niall says with a grin.

            They end up in a train to Dundee in Scotland but Liam doesn’t know that and the way he seems thrilled by the idea alone amuses Niall the most.

            “Okay guys, I think I’m gonna cut the video here and add some interesting parts later on, or maybe when we reach the place, because I don’t know how long the journey’s gonna take, but I don’t wanna bore you to death.. I think I might actually go all the way to the ending station, you know.” Liam says with a wide smile. “So – wait, Niall, what the heck d’you think you’re do – Oh my God, you people, are you watching that? I mean, has my boyfriend just –“ he trails off.

            “Yes, I have, but it was on my bucket list, so I’m excused!” Niall yells getting up from the floor in just his boxer shorts and socked feet and then he gets attention of all the people in their wagon by stepping out of their compartment and walking up to the first stranger still within the camera’s reach and asking in a concerned voice “But why is the rum finished, man?!”

            “Okay, well, I was certainly _not_ prepared for that.” Liam lets out rising his eyebrows incredulously  at the sight of the poor guy who in utter confusion attempts to walk away from still following him and repeating his question Niall. “I – I think we’ve seen enough. Niall! Come back!” he yells then at the blonde and that works as the man pretends to seem as innocent and confused as ever when he looks around and then comes back to their compartment. “I can’t believe I fell for such a nut head.” Liam sums it up and when he gets a wink and a kiss on the cheek he stops recording.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys for reading! Half of the time I don't even know where is this heading so if you have any comments on the story, feel totally welcome! Also kudos are very much appreciated ;)


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